Hatchet

Hatchet is a slasher film. Written and directed by Adam Green. Adam Green not only wrote AND directed this film he also starred as Toothless McHomless in the 2008 version of Gingerbread Man 2: Passion of the Crust.
I had not seen this film before I purchased it. I went out on a limb. I took a chance. And boy was it worth it. You couldn’t ask for a better cast. Which I will talk about now:
Of course the star of the show is Victor Crowley played by Kane Hodder. For anyone who does not know who Kane Hodder is, he is probably most famous for playing the part of Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th part 7, 8, 9; Jason X, and of course “Bartender” in Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror. Kane Hodder is a very large man who apparently never speaks. The rest of the cast includes Joel David Moore who starred in Dodgeball, Grandmas Boy, and was Cooter in Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning. There are also some other familiar faces you will see. The part of comic relief is played by a young black actor named Deon Richmond. You will recognize him from Not Another Teen movie, Van Wilder and Hanging With Mr. Cooper.

Robert Englund (Freddy Kruger) and Tony Todd (Candyman) have some fantastic cameos in this film as well. Tony Todd’s character is probably one of the most ridiculous I have ever seen.

This film takes place in the swamps of Louisiana. And of course there is a stretch of swamp that Victor Crowley “owns”. And does he ever. Don’t fuck with a 7 foot tall DS kid.
The first to perish are Robert Englund and his son while they are huntin’ for gators. Of course this is kinda sorta what leads a large part of the “plot”. You don’t see the father being dispatched but the first kill you see is a beautiful one. Limbs being pulled from the body and thrown into trees, teeth being knocked out, Victor reaching into the back of the victim and pulling out god knows what while the victim screams “oh my god it hurts”, and then throwing that into trees, then tearing the victim in half. Needless to say I was excited right off the bat.

Cut to wild, crazy party scenes! It’s Mardi gras!! Boobs everywhere! Young kids drinking! Marilyn Manson playing in the background! FORNICATION!!! Well, you don’t really see any fornication. I just assumed that many kids drinking in the middle of the day and all the titties being thrown around, someone somewhere is committing sodomy. So basically a group of youngsters decide to go on this swamp tour that they heard about. Accompanied by friends, an older couple and a man with a camera and two sluts they join a tour led by an Asian man with a southern accent.
So the basic story goes like this: Victor Crowley was born special, but mostly in the face. Imagine if you will Eric Stoltz in “Mask” only taller. But as a child young Victor was always teased and stoned by the other children. He couldn’t even go to the goddamn grocery store to get his Pro-Active without being pelted with urine and called terrible names like “Eric Stoltz”. Then one Halloween night the kids went too far. They started throwing little fireworks at his house trying to scare him out. I think everything would have been alright if the log cabin hadn’t been soaked in gasoline. Anyway, Victor’s father shows up just in time with a hatchet. His father begins to hack and hack at the front door trying to free his son from his would-be fiery grave. Then in an amazing example of bad timing Victor places his big dumb face on the door just as his father swings the hatchet, smashing Victor in the head killing him. When this happens, if you didn’t already know, you are able to inhabit that house forever and also have extreme strength allowing you to rip limbs from bodies.

I’m not going into too much more detail because there isn’t that much to say. I liked this movie because of the over-the-top gore. This film is worth watching just for the death of the older couple. Brutal, bloody and it made me giggle. Victor hacks at the old man with the hatchet, of course, starting at the shoulder. The old man’s wife is caught by Crowley. One hand on the upper part of the mouth, the other on the lower, Victor pulls this nice woman’s head in half with his fucking bare retarded hands.
To sum up, if you like bare handed kills that rival the ones performed by John in the new Rambo flick, and a fair amount of breasts, see this film. I say it is the best horror movie to feature a Marilyn Manson song since Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows.