Jennifer

So life continues, as well as my “bad taste”. Tonight I bring you a tale of lust, love, eating cats and an actor from “Wings”. I continue my work in the pizza field. It’s going well. I am now constantly being hit on by a young man who is almost exactly the same person as the one whom I came to know as my best friend. Even down to the red hair and pale skin. The main difference is that this one is very, very gay. No less entertaining however. This makes me miss the olden times. On a side note, do not watch Awake. Hayden Christensen’s career died with Anakin Skywalker.



Jennifer


Jennifer is based on a short story by Bruce Jones, and directed by the one and only father of the hot as hell Asia Argento, Dario Argento. Director of Suspiria, which if you have not seen, see it, it will change your opinion of European horror. This film stars Steven Weber. Everyone will recognize him from something. Whether it be Wings, or that terrible made for television version of the Shining.
This love story opens with the always creepy little girl singing random La La La’s. Steven Weber plays a leather jacket wearing, Chinese food eating cop. Yeah, Wings was an awesome show. It was like Friends before there was Friends. I miss it.
Just when you start to crave Chinese food you hear the screams of a young girl. And so does Mr. Weber. A mad man is about to murder this young woman with a meat clever. So, Steven shoots him. That’s what good cops do. Before he dies the man warns him to finish her. But hey, he’s just a crazy bald white guy. The weird thing about this is, the bitch is ugly. I’m talking ugly. I believe the scientific term would be “butterface”, big black eyes, stroke victim lips, dirty blond hair and legs that go all the way up to her hips. She never speaks, she just grunts and cries. “Frank” (steven weber) returns to his shithole of a home, waves at the neighbor girl and is greeted by a nagging wife. Who later attempts to seduce him with a pink granny night gown. And here we have our first breast sighting. Frank is being attacked by images of the day’s events, getting more and more intense. So, logically he flips his wife over and proceeds to butt rape her. Which makes complete sense to me? This disturbs the wife for some reason and his raping is soon halted.
The thought of this fugly female sitting in the local nuthouse drives Frank crazy. So he makes the decision to go and bring Jennifer back to his home. Frank is woken up to Jennifer in his room in only a sheet, drooling. And then the whole family walks in and is terrified. You will see quivering breasts in this scene. But, the thing that makes this scene amazing is, in the middle of the wife ranting about how this beast cannot stay, Jennifer grabs her by the face and appears to kiss her. Then as you see the wife’s face you see teeth marks all around her lips. So frank puts her in the car and is in the process of taking her someplace else when he fucks her. This whole scene is very strange, very gross and odd. She makes these sounds that I could only guess originally came from a rhino. So Frank brings his new pet back home to tell his wife that “no one would take her”. Franks wife screams, Frank yells back, Jennifer runs upstairs and eats the cat. Well I guess I wouldn’t say “eats”. The only thing I could think to compare it to was a cunnilingus session gone terribly wrong. I’m just being honest here people. I want to depict for you the scene that way you will never have to watch it. And yes sometimes I may get a little “graphic”. But are you going to watch this film after reading this? I didn’t think so.
So this awful, awful, story line continues for another 45 minutes or so. The tension in the family builds. The result of this being that the mother and son decide to go stay at grandma’s for a little while until daddy gets rid of the she-beast. Which does not happen. Everything seems to be going along just fine. The weird, awkward sex continues as do the sex demon’s eating habits. Frank decides to draw the line when Jennifer makes a meal of the neighbor girl. “I have had it up to here Jennifer” Frank says. Well he didn’t really say that. But he implies it when he takes her out to chop her goddamn face off with a meat cleaver. And thus, we return to the beginning of the film. This whole thing is a vicious circle that entraps retarded men. And there you have the twist and the end of the film. So remember kids, do not stick it in an ugly chick because she will eat your cat and you will die.

To sum up:
If you have a butterface fetish and like “Wings” see this film.