The Killing Joke

What I am about to talk about kind of goes against my usual "trend". But it is so amazing that I must speak of it. Batman: The Killing Joke written by Alan Moore author of Watchmen, From Hell, V for Vendetta and many more. Accompanied by amazing artist Brian Bolland this is one of the best "comics" I have read. Well at least since Watchmen.
If you are a long time fan of Batman and have never read this series, fucking do it. If you are a new Batman fan (and I know you exist) read this. It gives you somewhat of a sense of why the Joker is the way he is. Of course there is no set reason or cause of the Jokers insanity. But, if there was, I think this would be it. It not only deals with the Jokers history but the relationship between Batman and is greatest foe. The possibility of the only way for this war to end is for the death of either Batman or Joker. I won't give too much away. Just read it.

Wrong Turn

Wrong Turn shows us everything that Deliverance didn’t. Although this film could have used Burt Reynolds with a bow. But then again what film couldn’t. There were times even in Striptease that I would have like to see Burt fire off a few. Focus, Focus.

Wrong turn was directed by Rob Schmidt, and stars Eliza Dushku, Desmond Harrington, and Jeremy Sisto. All star cast I know.
The idea behind this film is inbreeding and the damage it causes. So, anytime that you have the smallest impure thought about a relative, watch this film. And if you are still having these thoughts, kill yourself, because that’s fucked up. And there you have the first and last time that I will talk about incest.
Wrong Turn opens with a fun loving couple climbing some not so dangerous cliffs. The man gets himself off’ed first. As blood drips down onto the ladies face, she begins to freak out, falls, but does not die. When she hears the cries of joy and laughter from what sounds like most of the people who live in Pennsylvania she decides it is time to run. So close her vehicle when some goddamn barbed wire trips her up. She gets drug off as you there the sounds of splatter but to not get to witness her demise. Here is what I believe happened off camera: cock slapped to death. I know, I know, a little sophomoric but it makes me giggle.
Now we come to a young man in a hurry in a mustang. He really needs to be somewhere really soon but it seems that he is farther away than he would like to be. And to add to his frustration there is a traffic jam. So, he pulls a “u” turn on a bridge in hopes of finding an alternate root to his very important destination. The next character in this story of love is a man who “runs” a “fill station”. He has one tooth and is engorging himself on a bottle of pepto bismol. Our hero in a hurry peeks at a map and finds Bear Mountain Rd. A short cut. Or so he thinks. On the side of the road he sees a dead deer. Being the pervert he is he stares and slams into the back of a group of youngsters out for some fun in the woods. Jeremy Sisto says some witty things and Eliza begins to portray what she is good at, a serious hardass bitch. I hate her. But I love this movie. And now we find our group of strangers brought together by accident lost in the woods looking for help.
Two of the group decided to stay back with the busted ass vehicles in case someone drove by. They’re just hanging out, smoking weed, doing sex, rummaging for power bars. Suddenly the one disappears. The douche bag is missing! As his special friend starts looking for him she stumbles on an ear removed from someone’s head. She can tell by the retarded amount of jewelry in the ear that it is her man. As she stares in shock dirty hands holding razor wire come from behinds and wrap this wire around her face. Painful and awesome all at the same time.
Meanwhile, the other group has found an old house with a large amount of abandoned cars in the yard. Once again just like everyone in Pennsylvania. Here is where Jeremy Sisto makes the much needed Deliverance reference. So they decide it is wise to help themselves and start to walk around the house. Of course they find it un-kept, smelly, and horribly decorated. And they discover a room full of shit. What appears to be other peoples shit. Sunglasses, car keys, hats, mobiles, all sorts of things that I have no idea why anyone would travel with.
Just as they discover body parts in strange places they owners of the home return. They return with their vehicles in tow. Now I’ve seen a lot of “backwoods” horror characters before but these are my favorites. Ugly, grunting, horny and violent. Their purpose in life is to find people and to kill them. Here we get a good look at that as they bring in the young woman with the razor wire in her mouth. She is placed on a table and they begin to saw off different limps. All of this is going on while the others are hiding under a bed and in a closet. Good tension and disturbing violence.
The leftover kids get up and try to sneak out once the family is asleep. As they are walking out the front door the one awakes. The one with an unattended to hair lip. They mount their tow truck and make chase. After a short female freak out they are on the move again.
This once again is the point at which I feel that all I am doing is re-writing the movie, which is not my goal. My goal is to give my opinion because I know so many people trust it. And also to get a low browed laugh. This film is one of my faves. And not because it was particularly good. I guess this was made during the “Scream Era” of horror. I like this one because it really was very gory. And pretty creepy as well. So here I am finishing this review after it has been sitting on my desktop for probably about a month.

To sum up: Inbred tards get their revenge for not being aloud to attend public school. There are some hot bitches and some just plain bitches. Enjoy.

The Mist

Good afternoon to the 3 people that read this. I’d like to take a few minutes to talk about The Mist. I’m not going to go into a real long description about this move mostly because I am feeling very lazy right now. I am also hoping that while writing this I will be able to come up with a real opinion on it. First I would like to point out that I believe that the only good role for Thomas Jane is the punisher. I felt like the punisher had retired, created a new family and moved into a small town in Oregon where he became an artist and moved next door to that one guy from Glory. I will say I like the ending. Well I liked a certain part about the ending. I did not like that it was the military’s fault. That just seemed lazy Mr. King. I did like that Thomas Jane killed the rest of the survivors including is son two minutes before the army showed up and saved everyone.
This is a monster movie, a ridiculous monster movie. There was some decent gored. Nothing that disturbing however. I found myself more interested in the way people changed while being stuck in this grocery store for days. I could have handled a movie all about that. Overall I think I enjoyed this film. Frank Darabont did a fine job. The CG monster could have been done a little better. And Thomas Jane could have been wearing his Punisher costume. But other than that it was entertaining.


To sum up: No boobs, a normal amount of blood. If you like human sacrifices and boring monsters see this film.

Jennifer

So life continues, as well as my “bad taste”. Tonight I bring you a tale of lust, love, eating cats and an actor from “Wings”. I continue my work in the pizza field. It’s going well. I am now constantly being hit on by a young man who is almost exactly the same person as the one whom I came to know as my best friend. Even down to the red hair and pale skin. The main difference is that this one is very, very gay. No less entertaining however. This makes me miss the olden times. On a side note, do not watch Awake. Hayden Christensen’s career died with Anakin Skywalker.



Jennifer


Jennifer is based on a short story by Bruce Jones, and directed by the one and only father of the hot as hell Asia Argento, Dario Argento. Director of Suspiria, which if you have not seen, see it, it will change your opinion of European horror. This film stars Steven Weber. Everyone will recognize him from something. Whether it be Wings, or that terrible made for television version of the Shining.
This love story opens with the always creepy little girl singing random La La La’s. Steven Weber plays a leather jacket wearing, Chinese food eating cop. Yeah, Wings was an awesome show. It was like Friends before there was Friends. I miss it.
Just when you start to crave Chinese food you hear the screams of a young girl. And so does Mr. Weber. A mad man is about to murder this young woman with a meat clever. So, Steven shoots him. That’s what good cops do. Before he dies the man warns him to finish her. But hey, he’s just a crazy bald white guy. The weird thing about this is, the bitch is ugly. I’m talking ugly. I believe the scientific term would be “butterface”, big black eyes, stroke victim lips, dirty blond hair and legs that go all the way up to her hips. She never speaks, she just grunts and cries. “Frank” (steven weber) returns to his shithole of a home, waves at the neighbor girl and is greeted by a nagging wife. Who later attempts to seduce him with a pink granny night gown. And here we have our first breast sighting. Frank is being attacked by images of the day’s events, getting more and more intense. So, logically he flips his wife over and proceeds to butt rape her. Which makes complete sense to me? This disturbs the wife for some reason and his raping is soon halted.
The thought of this fugly female sitting in the local nuthouse drives Frank crazy. So he makes the decision to go and bring Jennifer back to his home. Frank is woken up to Jennifer in his room in only a sheet, drooling. And then the whole family walks in and is terrified. You will see quivering breasts in this scene. But, the thing that makes this scene amazing is, in the middle of the wife ranting about how this beast cannot stay, Jennifer grabs her by the face and appears to kiss her. Then as you see the wife’s face you see teeth marks all around her lips. So frank puts her in the car and is in the process of taking her someplace else when he fucks her. This whole scene is very strange, very gross and odd. She makes these sounds that I could only guess originally came from a rhino. So Frank brings his new pet back home to tell his wife that “no one would take her”. Franks wife screams, Frank yells back, Jennifer runs upstairs and eats the cat. Well I guess I wouldn’t say “eats”. The only thing I could think to compare it to was a cunnilingus session gone terribly wrong. I’m just being honest here people. I want to depict for you the scene that way you will never have to watch it. And yes sometimes I may get a little “graphic”. But are you going to watch this film after reading this? I didn’t think so.
So this awful, awful, story line continues for another 45 minutes or so. The tension in the family builds. The result of this being that the mother and son decide to go stay at grandma’s for a little while until daddy gets rid of the she-beast. Which does not happen. Everything seems to be going along just fine. The weird, awkward sex continues as do the sex demon’s eating habits. Frank decides to draw the line when Jennifer makes a meal of the neighbor girl. “I have had it up to here Jennifer” Frank says. Well he didn’t really say that. But he implies it when he takes her out to chop her goddamn face off with a meat cleaver. And thus, we return to the beginning of the film. This whole thing is a vicious circle that entraps retarded men. And there you have the twist and the end of the film. So remember kids, do not stick it in an ugly chick because she will eat your cat and you will die.

To sum up:
If you have a butterface fetish and like “Wings” see this film.

Friday The 13th

So, this is the one that "started it all". Well at least it started probably one of the worst if not THE worst horror series ever. Jason isn't the threat quite yet. Which, while watching this you think, they were planning on making more of these while they wrote this? And, were people entertained by such shit back in 1980 that it did well enough to warrant making more? I guess we will never know. But, I know I speak for more than just myself when I say, thank god they did. Being entertained by the mindless slasher Jason would not have been possible without this series.
Made in 1980 by director Sean S. Cunningham Friday the 13th is known by well...everyone. Cult classic? Pure shit? I say both. Also, as much crap as I’m about to talk about this film...I've watched it 5 times.
One thing about this film is that you don’t see the killer for but a few minutes at the end. The whole time they use "stalker vision". I’m not sure if there is a scientific term for it. But you see everything through the eyes of the killer. Which, I guess is a cool idea. Except that many times the killer appears to be hiding so close to its victim that there is no way the soon to be corpse wouldn’t see him/her. This of course was started back in 1978 with Halloween. It was a big deal then...very scary. Not so much now.
1958 Camp Crystal Lake. One year after a young boy, Jason Voorhees, dies by drowning while all of the counselors were apparently "making love" and not paying any attention. Camp counselors sitting around an indoor fire singing all the generic camp sing-alongs. Two youngsters get up and decide to go fornicate in the upstairs of what seems to be a barn or shed of some sort. The young man uses all the lines we know so well "you’re special" and "I meant everything I said". So the awkward make out session begins. Only to be interrupted by....well you don’t know cause they use the fuck out of the stalker vision! But, something in the way the boy reacts lets you know that he knows this person. Anyway, two stabbings later we come to the present. The present being 1980...
One thing I don’t get...and its in just about every Friday the 13th...why are so many fucking kids hitch hiking? Even in the 1993 Jason Goes to Hell three kids are hitching to the camp. I’m sure in 1993 the danger of this pastime was known. And they all look at least out of high school...where the fuck are their cars? Anyway, 1980... An attractive 80's looking girl is walking up to a gas station. Ruck sack in tow/on her back, she decides to ask a fucking dog how far Crystal Lake is. Only after thinking the dog was female and then blatantly looking at the dogs red rocket and calling it sir, she realizes that she was going to get NOWHERE with this very rude dog. So, she decides to walk into the gas station. Now, like in many horror movies, small town gas stations always bring an interesting set of characters. This one is no different. She says Crystal Lake they look at her like she’s a chick with a dick. After 2 minutes of bad acting, she finds a "nice" chubby man to give her a ride half way to the camp. Why half? Well because then the killer wouldn't be able pick her up to drive her the other half later on. They leave but not before being warned by a drunk that the camp has a "death curse". They yell at him and off they go.
Now, like I said the killer is the one who picks her up to drive her the other half of the way. Again the stalker vision is used. The girl is yapping away while the driver never says a damn word but just stares at her. Yes stares at her while driving. That I guess wasn’t weird enough for this young lady. She had to wait until they passed the sign for the camp to worry. She tucks and rolls out of the moving jeep after realizing that the driver may not be trust worthy.
So, I left off with the young lady jumping from a moving jeep. Of course she decides to leave the main road and see how she fairs running around in the woods. Even if you haven’t seen this film I’m sure you know....yes she dies. She dies by having her throat cut. Which I was surprised at how well they did this throat slicing scene. They show no knife/neck contact but they do show the aftermath. Her throat opens and of course dark blood comes pouring out. The only weird thing is...there is a slight color difference between where her neck gets cut...and the rest of her damn body. Its funny...she dies and was expected at the camp to work the kitchen. You only hear the other counselors mention the fact that she hadn’t shown up one time. I guess the kitchen wasn’t very important.
So, back at the camp the kids are being kids. Fixing things, putting up gutters making shitty jokes. And Kevin Bacon is running around in probably the shortest jorts (jean shorts) I have ever seen. His two costumes in this film are A. Short ass Jorts. And B. A fucking Speedo. I love Kevin Bacon as much as the next guy. He played probably the best version of the invisible man...since well...ever. But, too much leg is too much leg. Oh yeah, you also see is bulge close up.
Storm blows in. Kids play strip monopoly. And people start to die. Die in very un-imagined ways. Of course still never seeing who the killer is. Until it comes down to the last survivor. This is where the all of your questions get answered. Jason's mother shows up. Pretending for a moment to be willing and wanting to help this young survivor. But of course her anger cause by her son’s sexually related death consumes her. And she then explains everything. The sex, the water, her dumbass son drowning. The young lady lives. Kills Mrs. Voorhees and escapes in a canoe. Then comes my favorite scene in the film. She sees cops on the beach waving her down. At last help! Music comes to a peek and BAM! little water logged Jason Voorhees comes up from the abyss and grabs that bitch, fade...Ahhhh, safe and sound in a hospital surrounded by total strangers. She asks, "what happened to the little boy from the lake". "What little boy" the officer asks. "He must have got away" she replies. DUH! And so begins the saga of Jason Voorhees.
To sum up: If you like movies made in the 80's that aren’t "80's Movies" watch this. If you like Kevin Bacon's junk, watch this. Or if you’re like me and you like watching movies that make you feel better about yourself, watch this.

High Tension

First, this film is French. So if you have a problem with that...then you have a problem with me. Directed by Alexandre Aja who directed the re-make of The Hills Have Eyes. 2 women...one attractive...one not so much. Not important really...but worth stating. The cool thing about this is this film had a VERY low budget. Normally when you think of that, you think shit. Not in this case.
The basic story is 2 college students go to the not so attractive woman's parents "farm" to study. This "farm" is of course in the middle of no where. These to ladies are fun loving....alcohol drinking, cigarette smoking...ladies. The 5 min of character development in the beginning is really unimportant. Seeing them both in the same car should let you know that they are friends. And that is enough. The unattractive female also has a little brother who seems a tad retarded and insists on wearing the gayest cowboy costume. Again not important other than he gets killed. And if you want to upset the public with your film...kill a kid, point a gun at a baby etc...
You know this film is not for the faint of heart in the first 20min when you see a dirty, rust old work van/truck. You can see a gentleman receiving a BJ (blowjob). Then this gentleman drops a severed head out of the van and continues on. Yeah, I too always wanted to see someone "skull loving" a severed head.
I believe that the father is a pervert. He hints in his very first line that he may bite. And, that it’s great to see the attractive female in person other than just her photo. I’m sure you’re thinking what I'm thinking....wanking to a photo. Pervert. He also is unimportant as he too gets killed.
I may give away the plot and ending of this film but I will not give away the murder scenes. Which are some of the most intense I have seen.
Anyway, family gets killed. Ugly girl gets kidnapped. Pretty girl follows (after masturbating to reggae music in her bed) to save ugly girl. Muse song, more tension. You then find out that the killer is actually the ugly girl gone nuts! WTF man? You’ve got to love horror movie twists. She’s so in love with ugly girl she believes that’s if she can’t have her no one can. When you watch this doesn’t think about it too much.
To sum up: Hot chick goes nuts and kills. And did I mention she masturbates to reggae?? So yes, the tension in this film is very high. In my top 5.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

This was my first of these "reviews" and of course the shittiest. I like to think they are getting better as i go. But I am sure everyone else will think otherwise.



It would appear that the budget on this film was greater than all the others combined. I believe that Kane Hodder needs more movie roles. You’d be surprised how many movies you watch that the man behind the ski mask did the stunts. In this one you find out that Jason had a sister, who happens to live a normal life working in a diner. And then that sister had a daughter and the daughter had a baby, also a female. Also you find out that these 3 are the only people who posses the power to end Jason’s insanity, with a dagger that glows and of course the handle is made of some sort of bone. I prefer to believe made of baby seal bone, but that’s just me. The sister dies and the baby...well it’s a fuckin' baby! What can it do?? It then falls on Jason's niece. First, what I want to know is...Jason's mother started the whole thing in the first place. She was insane. Why was the sister able to live such a normal life? Why was she not insane herself? Who was Jason's father? Was he insane? And where did the black stuff the courses through Jason's heart come from? And where the fuck did he gets the ability to pass a little "Jason Larva" from person to person?? COME ON! To sum up: If you like melting faces, a black bounty hunter, deaths via any sharp object and boobs...watch it. If not...then what the fuck do you like?? Amen. James